Airport Snitching Condemned by Nation

Christchurch Airport —

The usual crowds gathered at Christchurch Airport today, marking the arrivals and departures of loved ones, friends and work associates. However, it was the alleged coming of one All Black which garnered the most attention.

Fresh from a glorious 36-17 thrashing of an impudent Argentina side in a rabid Buenos Aires atmosphere, the All Blacks expected a more serene environment in the peaceful surroundings of the Sean Fitzpatrick Memorial Executive Lounge.

Gone too soon to that big terminal in the sky.

“The boys looked relaxed and focused”, according to an anonymous staff member.

“These guys truly are an inspiration to each and every Kiwi”, another added.

So far, so good then, as the All Blacks prepared to depart for the latest leg of their Rugby Championship victory lap in Durban. However, some unexpected turbulence soon altered the mood. Approximately 90 minutes before the flight departure, an incident developed involving All Black superstar scrum half/all around good bloke Aaron Smith.

“A young woman approached him,” claimed one eyewitness.

“At first I assumed it was to ask for his autograph, or to congratulate him on his recent charity work at Wellington Hospital, which really showed the man behind the jersey. But then I noticed that the Women’s toilets were pakaru and she looked in a bit of distress. Aaron kindly led her to the disabled toilet and used some of that famous muscle power of his to ensure that the door was held shut from the inside from any intruding wheelers for the duration of her business. That’s what I assumed happened anyway.”

The Lounge also features an area for quiet reflection and prayers of thanksgiving for past All Black triumphs.

It is almost tempting to view this action as yet another example of the All Blacks selflessly giving back to their adoring fans. Others viewed things from a different perspective however. According to onlookers, a woman (of Australian descent), upon viewing Smith leaving the bathroom with a (clearly relieved) young woman, quickly marched to the lounge security desk, leaving her children as exposed to Kiwi threats as the Argentinian lineout last Saturday. Loud and poorly phrased accusations of lewd behaviour soon followed.

“I can confirm that we received an allegation of sexual impropriety on the part of Aaron today,” said All Blacks Head Coach Steven Hansen in a short statement.

“We’ve decided to just stand him down for a game until all of this blows over, if you’ll excuse the pun. I’ll just throw in Izzy at 9, should be more than enough  against these Boks anyway. Aaron is of course bitterly disappointed that his family life and valuable commercial endorsements could be jeopardised by the snitching of what can only be described, in my opinion, as a jealous, bitter loser.”

Izzy and his set of large balls.

As the All Blacks inch closer to a world record 18 wins and yet another chapter in the history books, it is clear this sort of bitching and snitching is bound to increase from those left in the wake of this legendary squad. Today, it appears that Aaron Smith was the unfortunate target. A Good Samaritan caught with a blindside hit.

“I think it comes down to the fact that people just can’t stand our brand of honest, humble rugby,” said All Black supremo Kieran Read in a brief conversation with this author, standing by the controversial toilet.

“We’re going to smash these Boks good and hard on Sunday regardless. A bit of a tribute to Smithy eh?” he chuckled.

Next Fixture: South Africa V All Blacks, Durban, 4.05 A.M.